A collection of poems – by
John T.

_______________________________________________________

 

These are poems I have
written since Petee’ started talking about

leaving and through her
departure.

 

The heaviness is constant

the sadness

the dull ache

 

the heaviness is constant

there is no joy

there are no real smiles

 

the heaviness is constant

emptiness, numbness

the light has become dark

 

the heaviness is constant

the loss of a limb

more painful?

oooh the hurt

the feelings of unworthiness

was it ever real, was the
love a mirage

or fantasy

who said the rug was pulled

the ground itself, the
surface

just disappeared

and I can’t stop falling

 

the heaviness is constant

 

I wrote this and thanx to my
support and meetings, I have stopped falling. The pain
remains but there is some hope and gratitude. And I have
remembered that I am still a complete unique and precious
creation.

That was the first one I
wrote after her telling me she was going to leave.

The rest are after she left,
which was two months later.

_______________________________________________________

 

Every night I dread walking
up those steps, upstairs.

Upstairs is reality.

Upstairs I cannot pretend.

Upstairs the loss cannot be
ignored.

Upstairs I am alone.

 

Upstairs I will round the
corner with anticipation.

I peer into the bedroom,
wondering if this is a nightmare of which I may awaken.

I peer into the room with
trepidation, anxiety, and fear.

 

I look, I pause, I stop.

My knees weaken for a moment
and then I steady myself..

I am upstairs.

I am upstairs and I am alone.

My wife is gone. She is not
asleep in the bed. She is not on the way home.

She is gone.

and I am upstairs

alone.

Every night I dread walking
up those steps

Tonight

Upstairs

_______________________________________________________

 

Saturday Night

 

The TV is running

but I’m not paying attention

The TV is flashin

but I do not see or hear a
thing,

The TV is playin

but I sit in a daze, loss in
the emptiness of a

Saturday night.

I used to hear others talk
about those

Saturday nights

I used to hear others share
their loneliness, hurt, and sadness, on those

Saturday nights

I used to hear others say
that Saturday nights were tough, hard, and overwhelming

I used to shrug my shoulders,

empathize, with their
feelings, and wonder

I used to think "what
would that feel like, I like to be alone on Saturday
nights"

and then my wife left me

and now it’s

Saturday night.

_______________________________________________________

 

Saturday Night, part deux,

 

I was walkin the streets,
lonely, but not alone

by myself, but not alone..

the air was cool, it had
rained

the rain had stopped,

the pain had stopped,

just for the moment, just in
that breath of air, hmmmm, a nice deep breath

the rain had stopped,

the pain had stopped,

the ground was still wet, my
heart still ached…

but in that moment, I was
grateful

in that moment, their was a
light, dim, but bright enough..

the rain had stopped, the
pain had stopped,

everywhere I looked

couples, holding hands,
kissing, walking arm and arm

couples, laughing, giggling,
enjoying each other,

but in that moment, I was
grateful

in that moment, I thought of
my wife and smiled

for what once was

for the times on Saturday
nights when we held, kissed, giggled, loved

in that moment, I was glad
that I had loved and been loved

in that moment I was
grateful, and not resentful,

the rain had stopped, the
pain was a little further away,

maybe I will heal, I have
healed some, it hurts but I have healed

the rain had stopped, my pain
had stopped,

_______________________________________________________

 

Pain in da Library………

 

the end is near

I know it, she knows it

How does one end their
misery??

slow and painful, hoping for
a reprieve?

slow and painful, wishing for
the antidote?

slow and painful, hangin on,
not letting go

not letting go

the end is clear

is near

such fear, such hurt, sadness
not letting go

just end it, begin anew

such fear

begin anew

let go of the fantasy, what
once was, is no more

no more

continue the healing

continue the healing

thru the fear, hurt, sadness,

let go of what has gone &
begin anew….

_______________________________________________________

 

Acceptance

therein lies the lesson

lesson, what am I to learn

that I hurt

that I bleed

I cry

what am I to learn

that I love

will I love

will I trust

will I be loved

what am I to learn

nothing is promised

take nothing for granted

change is inevitable

take nothing for granted

what am I to learn

I’ve grown

I’ve not grown

change

see the gifts in the pain

learn to love again?

not today! no thanx!

 

Lafiya & Healthy Choices,

John T.