I have been made redundant for the
second time in a row. In the same period of time my marriage ended and my grand
mother died.

As this all happened over a period of 18
months, I can already see the purpose of some of this. My first redundancy was
accompanied with a generous package that enabled me to buy my flat from my
ex-husband. Looking for work (my last job) for 6 months also showed me that I
was married to someone who was not going to be there for me, who needed me,
demanded from me a lot of the time, but was never able to give in return any
more. It was therefore with a sense of peace and serenity that I realized that
my marriage had reached an end. And so it ended the day before I started my last
job.

The year that followed my separation
was chaotic to say the least. Too much going out, too much drinking, needing too
much reassurance that I was still attractive (and getting lots of
attention). I couldn’t quite admit to myself that I had been so affected by
the end of my marriage: was it not what I had wanted? It wasn’t nice at all
going through all this but I guess it had to be done and I certainly learnt an
awful lot about myself. Amongst other things that that’s not how I want to
live my life. Some of it was very positive as well. I heard people say very nice
things about me. I’m sure people must have said nice things about me in the
past but I was never able to hear them. Nevertheless I decided to stay single
for a while. And I kept my resolution of not going out with anyone for, oh, a
good 2 months! I remember asking God why it had to happen, why did I go out with
“him”, I just didn’t understand…

At least he was my type. Unlike most of the
men I’d been out with in the past. Well except that he’s a  food addict
who is not on a program. But by then it didn’t matter, nor did the fact that
he’s a smoker, a definite no-no the day before I met him!

Work sent me abroad and I took a week off
backpacking while I was there, as it was somewhere I’d been wanting to go
for 8 years. I had to go on my own, it was some kind of initiation journey after
my separation from my husband. I took a book on co-dependency to read, as I was
meeting “him” in the USA the week after (work again). Thank God they have
meetings of my other fellowship in the United States, I couldn’t have made it
through that week without them. 

I came back to Europe, the relationship was
over and I was devastated. My mother was here visiting me. She was here when I
was made redundant. Seeing her react to the news was such an eye opener, it
taught me so much about why I am the way I am. Why I couldn’t get over
“him” even though I hardly knew him. I was more suicidal about the
relationship ending than the loss of my job.

As I said I’d been asking God why the
relationship had to happen. I believe that because he matched my dream partner
so closely I was forced to look at how dysfunctional I am in relationships
(otherwise it wouldn’t have mattered and I would have moved on to the next
one). Also if I’d stayed in the job, today I would still be hoping for him to
change his mind…(we worked for the same company but in different countries) It
is also no coincidence that my mother was there when I was made redundant and
that broke my denial about her being perfect (facing the anger was scary). She
showed me where my co-dependency started…

I cannot tell you how painful the summer has
been. One main reason being that this was the first time I went through the pain
of a relationship ending instead of using starvation to make me feel better.
(And I believe I only have to do that once. Next time won’t be quite as bad.)
I’ve been stripped of everything that I had back at the beginning of the
Summer. What hurt the most was giving up my illusions. If only I had a thin
body, the right man and the perfect job I’d be happy. Of course I’ve been in
recovery long enough that I KNOW this isn’t true but ACCEPTING it means
accepting myself, as I am. And accepting God’s love for me. That’s the
toughest thing in recovery. I seem to have to learn this lesson at a deeper
level time and time again. I’d hide behind my eating disorder or my
co-dependency any time. But today those are no options. And it’s sooo hard.
But I’m getting there. I can see light at the end of the tunnel. I get good
days (feeling loved by and close to God) and bad days (I worry about not getting
a job) but I’m learning the lesson I was supposed to learn. Not grudgingly,
rather gratefully. At times I am amazed that God decided that I should have
recovery. My heart goes out to those people who never make it, even more so to
the ones who come and decide to go than the ones who never find out about
recovery.

I also want to mention that I was made
redundant 5 days after the mortgage for my flat transferred to my sole name and
1 day after I qualified for redundancy insurance. I can see the hand of God in
that. Also in being able to go to abroad twice this year. Both were spiritual
journeys. Some day I’ll also have to tell you about training for a
marathon.

I’m saying all that like I’m over it
all. Not quite yet I’m afraid. I don’t know what tomorrow holds but as I
said I can see light at the end of the tunnel. I like this quote: “we
understand life backward but we have to live it forward”. That’s so true for
me today.

Anonymous