I guess it seems kind of murky to see a straight line of recovery, but I know it is working under the table because my depression is lifting more often and I am finding myself acting stronger around others. I have nearly found a way to exist with my family of origin: extremely strict boundaries and virtually no contact with a narcissistic, hyper-critical bully mother who loves to tell me exactly what to do despite me telling her no, and a father who tried to kill me anytime I would try to state a boundary or do something for myself.
Needless to say, it has been very difficult feeling the freedom to be myself, and I recently broke off a three-month long relationship with a narcissist. I am proud of myself for it and really know I am growing because it became as clear as day when my inner balance sheet calculated and I realized that this person wasn’t being present or supportive of me at all. Luckily I saw it and kindly brought it up, using "I" statements, of course, and taking responsibility to ask for more than the breadcrumbs I was getting. After being met with silent treatment, I went through the pain; I was not surprised, but I was also not hopeless. This time I didn’t blame or shame myself for the ending of this relationship like I would have in the past. I know I did my best; I respected and gave love to this person. He couldn’t "pay the bill," so to speak, so I had to cut my losses. I assessed where I was at fault and whatever answers that came to mind really were underwhelming and acceptable, as everything was clear and no shame was needed. If anything, it was empowering and a learning experience I am grateful for.
I am still learning how to take my recovery into work and money, as these are areas of my life where I still struggle with taking care of myself.. For now I feel more trusting of myself everyday in small ways, if I stick to the program, continue to ask for help, and draw my attention back to myself.
TP