My constant worrying and projected visions of impending doom have been robbing me of the now. Being in CoDA and working my program I am beginning to see progress, but of course, I want the changes to come quicker. I have always hated waiting and have always pretty much had a ‘git er done!’ type of demeanor. I realize that a solid foundation means that every brick is in place to help support all the others and possibly a few structures close by. However, the bottom line is I am impatient and overly critical of myself and others. Being put down most of my life was a gift really. It gave me the drive and the fire in my belly to do whatever it took to survive. Even if that meant becoming a codependent surface dweller.
My survival was dependent on being with someone. Not the financial aspect, cause more often than not I was the breadwinner. I just had a hole in me and needed to focus all my attention on someone else. Let me try to help them with their problems and ignore mine. They obviously need help more than me. Why not just throw martyrdom into the mix while I’m at it. The fifty-some years that I have been like this is sickening to me when I think about it and I want change to come yesterday already and I find myself obsessing about it.
When I project worry onto an unknown future I rob myself of now and block myself from my higher power and then BAM! It goes from bad to worse in a matter of hours. I had myself worked up and in such a state. I decided to do some chores and clean up the pet food dining area. I washed the cat’s water bowl and I filled it all the way to the very top and began the long journey back to the pet dining area , baby step shuffle across the floor, steady , steady. Then I noticed that I had not spilled any water, I wasn’t worrying anymore about the problem. I was being mindful that I did not spill any of the water. Then I got excited and some of the water splashed up on my hand reminding me to be mindful and come back to the bowl of water cause I am not there yet.
The same thing goes for my life. I have to be ever mindful lest I fall from the right path and the door to my higher power becomes blocked. Mindfulness and good intentions and an open channel of prayer regularly to my higher power are of the utmost importance for the benefit of myself and the whole intricate web of life. Being mindful and offering up gratitude creates joy and vice versa, One does not exist without the other.
In conclusion; I created a mindfulness exercise involving me, and a very full bowl of water. I walked across the floor once and did not spill it. Mindful all the way, and not thinking of who ate the last bagel yesterday. I turn and breathe in and out as I steady and mindfully tread lightly back across the room to my starting point. I did not spill any water again yay me! I started walking back a third time and I suppose at this point I was a bit cocky, too fast and prideful while thinking about if there was a world’s record on water bowl carrying and if not did I have a shot at it? My distraction caused me to become out of balance and I spilled the water on my foot. I wasn’t being mindful and that’s all it takes is one second for energy to shift and us not be able to dodge something if it’s in our best interest to do so. So I have named this exercise
‘ My bowl of liquid mindfulness.’
Thanks for reading my story.
In peace, love and understanding,
Pamela W. March 2nd, 2020