My First CoDA Meeting

I went to my first CoDA meeting about 25 years ago in NYC. They had free sheets that they passed around at the end of some meetings (that’s how information was shared…before quick-loading websites were common!)

And it included statements I had never heard before (ever!)…a whole list of them…such as:
“I’m not happy and content, unless others are happy with me.”
“My feelings about myself are directly connected to having other’s approval.”
A whole bunch of traits listed…and I identified with all of them!

I was familiar with other 12-step programs, and I did appreciate how it connected me back to a Higher Power of my understanding, but sometimes my traumatized brain would see the 4th Step and be transported back to my religious upbringing and feel like I was being led to confession! I felt like I didn’t need to do a “beat up” job on myself!

How CoDA handles the 4th Step inventory seems (to me!) very gentle. I found it’s less about making a list of “harm we had caused” and it places an emphasis on making amends to yourself. When I heard that, I thought “I’m in!”

I’m so much better in understanding that I don’t have to be a doormat to abusive treatment, nor do I have to explode with dysfunctional outbursts (the only 2 options I saw shown to me) but I now had tools that would show me how to assert myself in a mature, kind way, allowing me to realize who I am…my authentic, less-than-perfect self! I met so many happy, mature, put-together people in NYC, and I thought “What’s their secret?

Why do they seem genuinely happy and ‘free’ inside?” And most were going to therapy (which was not common back then). And some were going to CoDA (often both!).

I used to think I was a shy person, but I think I just absorbed so much family trauma that I had almost no self-esteem left. I felt myself running to NYC to feel alive. I wanted to live an authentic life, connected to my Higher Power with a life full of purpose.

Also realizing that I can love and support people in my life…WITHOUT rescuing them! This was so big for me! I can love people, really listen to what they are going through, and not feel that I somehow must fix them. Their struggle is their journey. Mine is mine. But we can walk together through this thing called life!

One more bonus: I can be genuinely happy for others! Their joy is my joy! (That never happened before! Jealousy/insecurity has been replaced by that joy!) Not all the time – I’m not perfect!!!!) but mostly. Expanded love and joy…feels better than jealousy.

The recovery community has grown so much since then and has trickled down into mainstream society. I need it…more than ever these days!

D.C.
01/15/2025