I Can Change

Before I started CoDA I was filled with rage. I didn’t even know what rage was. I knew I was angry. I knew I was resentful. I knew I felt fear, but I didn’t know that rolled altogether this created rage. 

I grew up in a rage filled home. My father would get explosively angry and bite his fists. Occasionally his fists would “bite“ someone else who got in his way. I heard stories and even witnessed a few of those physical altercations during my childhood. He never hit his children, but fear of his explosive anger and what passerby would be the victim of his physical attack was always palpable. 

After attending CoDA for some time, I learned this definition of rage and understood on some level that I was playing out this unhealthy coping mechanism in my own way. I had silent, seething rage. I had passive-aggressive behavior. I had lies and manipulation. I had retaliation through hurtful words and scornful looks. I judged and disapproved ragefully at others. 

I could not understand why I had this running dialogue in my mind of all the reasons I was angry at my husband. I would walk around yelling at him in my mind. I had not learned about the CoDA crazies yet. 

On the outside I was compliant, fearing rejection and abandonment. I started to understand what minimizing, denying or altering my feelings looked like. I learned that codependency is chronic self-abandonment. 

As I kept coming back, I began to understand how to put my Fourth Step into action and that I had choices. I didn’t need to continue using the dysfunctional coping skills I observed and practiced in childhood. 

I had to have the courage to change, to make new choices. 

Today I am more in touch with my needs, feelings and wants. Sometimes it is very uncomfortable practicing awareness and feeling like I am not strong enough yet, not certain enough in my choices. 

Thankfully I have a program. I have CoDA friends that I can reach out to. I have people that I trust. 

Some days I walk around and the CoDA crazies are like a swarm of bees following me, but eventually I have the awareness to say I am powerless to control my unhealthy thinking. I ask my higher power for strength and guidance. 

I now have begun to develop intimacy in my relationship with my husband. We share when one of us has hurt the other’s feelings. I have learned how to listen and ask myself, do I need to make amends? 

It’s still hard and I get scared often, but I have evidence now that I can change and so can my relationships, and that gives me just enough strength and courage to be vulnerable, to ask for help, to honor my anger and to try and do things differently. 

I hope that one day I can look back and see how this program has positively impacted my son. I hope I see him using program tools without even realizing that’s what they are, because he witnessed a healthier way. I’ll turn that over to my higher power for now though, because I can go crazy thinking about that, and I love my peace of mind more. 

Catherine, codependent  

11/10/2024